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Posts Tagged ‘personal’

Those Nights

 Before you scroll down, please listen to: Those Nights by Skillet

I remember when we used to laugh
About nothing at all, it was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems
We’re going through, forget ’em all
‘Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all, remember when we’d

Stay up late and we’d talk all night
In a dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We’d listen to the radio play all night
Didn’t wanna go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

I remember when we used to drive
Anywhere but here, as long as we’d forget our lives
We were so young and confused
That we didn’t know to laugh or cry
Those nights were ours, they will live and never die
Together we’d stand forever, remember when we’d

Stay up late and we’d talk all night
In a dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We’d listen to the radio play all night
Didn’t wanna go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

Those nights belong to us
There’s nothing wrong with us
Those nights belong to us

I remember when we used to laugh
And now I wish those nights would last

Stay up late and we’d talk all night
In a dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We’d listen to the radio play all night
Didn’t wanna go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

Stay up late and we’d talk all night
In a dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We’d listen to the radio play all night
Didn’t wanna go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

Those nights belong to us
There’s nothing wrong

From: Metrolyrics.com

Sometimes a song’s lyrics can describe my feelings more than my own words can. Especially songs that have that melody and instrumental component.

There are nights where I just want to cry. Sometimes I do, sometimes it feels like a dam is blocking the tears’ flow.

This isn’t the sort of post I normally do. It’s personal. I really am not one who expresses my feelings to people, though there are a select few in my circle of friends.

As of late, my life, well, let’s just say hasn’t been easy. I’ve done, experienced, and seen things that no one should have to go through. But that is the result of a fallen world. I know many people around me are struggling, suffering, trying, coping, and/or hurting. I know I am one of them.

This is going to be one of my longer posts, just to fore-warn.

An excerpt from my journal.

2/14/14

These past few months I’ve grown sick and tired. I can’t stand it anymore. The yelling, the drama, the list could go on and on.

This really should be spoken aloud, but for now, writing it down will have to do.

My brother, [Younger Brother 1] is almost out of control. He yells and blows up at the smallest of things. ‘Things’ is a broad term. I used it properly. He bad talks and back talks to everyone. He bullies [Younger Brother 2], but then again, somethings [Younger Brother 2] just asks for – baiting him and watching him take the bait. I’m not justifying my brother’s actions, if that’s what you’re thinking.

I am so. fed. up. I’m so done, irritated. Et cetera. I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t remember the last day where there wasn’t any yelling, arguments, people laughing and smiling.

I am torn. I cry almost as much or more than I genuinely laugh. I’m sick of drama. 

[Younger Brother 2] disses me and calls me awful names. I act like they just bounce of. But they hurt.

I set my alarm this morning for 8:00, but turned it off and slept in. Around nine I’m awakened by yelling slamming, and screaming. My door is closed. From the moment I woke up my day has been rotten, even considering it’s a snow day. There is no peace. I just feel tension. I just don’t known anymore.

I jump at the slightest of sounds, I cringe and almost crumple at the raising of voices. I’m afraid. Though, I hide it all away. I put on a facade and keep calm and try to carry on.

I act happy, like I’ve bounced back from a down mood. But I don’t.

I often sit in my room alone, door shut, music either plugged in or not. But I sit there deep in though. I try to think about all the ways I can help my brothers; help [Younger Brother 1]. What’s the psychological factor? His heart? Emotions/real thoughts?

Truth is: I’m desperate.

Yeah, I’ve been going to God more and more, which is a good thing. He’s drawing me nearer to him. I need that.

Through trials, there is happiness at the end. They can be long and tedious or short and over. We can be at the end of the rope and that’s when God seems to pull us out.

I’ve been at the end for awhile.

I’ve been done.

I’ve promised not to ever cut again – I slipped just before New Year’s, but after I said I said I wouldn’t cut myself anymore. My wrists are so far, as clean as they’ll be.

Relapse is real. Addiction is real.

If I said I wan’t angry at God, I’d be lying. I know I shouldn’t be, I feel guilty and like a bad Christian for saying and thinking it.

But he knows all my thoughts and actions even before I think them. He knows exactly what I’m going through. He has a plan for my life. A road that is hard, slim, and narrow, but in the end and grand picture of life, there is an un-explainable or indescribable reward and treasure waiting for me.

I often find myself trying to help others first and pushing my feelings off or not wanting to trouble people.

Sometimes you don’t realize you’re actually drowning when you’re trying to be everyone else’s anchor.

— Unknown

Despite his bad times, [Younger Brother 1] has the occasional happy moment (as of late he’s been better than just have the occasional happy moment). There’ll be moments when we both are laughing so hard we cry.

Those moments can change quickly. They are also forgotten fast.

I love my brothers, I really do. I try to cope, I try to help. I try to act strong and fine. But every argument, every tear, every yelling/screaming word tears me apart slowly. There’s a wound try to heal, but each time it’s just ripped back open, even bigger. 

Why do I tell you all of this? To have you pity me? Never. Worry over me?  Don’t even. Post this so all family and friends could see my true thoughts and land me with a counselor? Nope. Cause drama? Didn’t I say I hate drama?

I tell you this because I want to give encouragement out to people who are going through the same, similar, or just tough situations. I want to tell them that there is hope. I’m living, breathing proof.

Those nights? Well, it’s these sorts of nights that causes me to pray even harder.

Pray hardest, when it is hard to pray.

— Unknown

These sorts of nights are what deepens my faith and causes me to hold on, trust, and believe in Christ. These nights belong to us. These nights keep me alive. They keep me alive in God’s word and the Spirit. They help me get stronger, even though it may cause disruption in me for a time.

God is My Lighthouse in the darkest night. He never fails. He never leaves.

One night I dreamed I was walking
along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only
one set of footprints in the sand, is when
I carried you.”

— Mary Stevenson

I can make it through anything. Anything is possible with God (Matt. 19:26). I know that with him I can be strong and courageous, facing each day knowing he is by my side and he will never leave it; I’m not alone (Josh. 1:9).

For an ending:

7eventh Time Down’s song “Just Say Jesus

If you have any questions, feel free to drop an email, you can see the email on the Contact Us page.
If you want a list of encouraging or just plain good Christian songs, email or comment, I’d be happy to provide a list for you of my favorite artists and songs.

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Good Thing to Remember

I was talking to one of my best friends, about how tonight (or the night of September 6, 2013), at bible study, one of my old youth pastors, was visiting, and he talked about how there are good Christians, Christians who study the Bible, go to church, to good, etc. but they don’t really live for Christ. What they (we) really need to do is die to ourselves, so that we can live for God. We need to focus on the things he’s given us each day, and when we have accomplishments, we need to not praise ourselves or be happy. We need to praise and thank Him.

There are times, when I’m desperate I go to God. But most of the time, maybe I’ll say a quick prayer and go on my way. But it’s only in time of need, when in reality I should be talking to him each day, not just when I need that “lean to” person, even though he’s happy to help and is always there for us. God also wants us to focus on him all the time. He wants us to go through trials. He’s going to test us; to see how well we stand up and also to remind us again (and again if necessary) that we need him. More than ever. And when we get lost, he knows how to capture us and bring us back.

My friend made the comment of: “That’s definitely hard to remember to do every day. We get so caught up in our lives that we forget about Him who gave us life.”

My username on so many accounts is “CapturedbyChrist.” And it’s true. But I sometimes don’t let him capture me, I’m like a mustang, running away, not wanting to submit; to live my own way, when in reality, I need to submit to him as my leader, the one I need to trust, depend on, love, and always remember no matter what. He’s always there for me.

We do, we get so caught up in school, how our grades are, what homework we need to do. We’re always planning ahead. We don’t take each day step by step. We take each week leap by leap. With God, we oh so often as for what our future is going to look like; what’s the master plan, when instead, we need to be asking him what the next step is. Not leap. Step. One foot in front of the other. Slowly, steady, constant. No leaps, jumps, or haste. Patience is key.

Some of this little “philosophy” is based off a book (I don’t remember the title), and how it states the “Joseph Principle.” Of how, in the end when Joseph was thrown in the pit by his brothers, was sold into slavery, then by his wisdom, became the 2nd in command of Egypt and it just so happened the Israel was having a famine and his brother came to Egypt to seek food, Joseph recognized them, at first he was a little angry. But he forgave them, and he was able to save his family and bring them to Egypt. All this wasn’t by his own power, or glory. It was by God. God had a step-by-step plan for him. God knew what he needed, he knew the whole story, and he knew, even when Joseph celebrated, that he wasn’t doing it for himself, patting himself on the back, no Joseph was thanking God. Joseph knew what God had done. God’s grace and mercy are ever over-flowing and present.

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Christians: What People Think of Us

Disclaimer: This is a written as personal essay, as in meaning this is written in my opinion and what I believe to be true and what I’ve heard people say.

You are welcome to agree with it or not. Please no hateful comments. You are welcome to stop reading if you don’t like it.

“Christians as a whole are the most pretentious people ever to walk the earth. And as a whole, they show no contempt for anyone who doesn’t follow their beliefs. As a whole, they find no fault in pointing fingers, pulling out others flaws, condemning those who aren’t like them,” (Anonymous).

“You think you’re so perfect, is that right? And we are all just lowly losers compared to you, hm?” This is what people usually say or think about my religion. “You all are screwed,” is what some people put out there – while everyone is shooting darts at each other as well as shouting accusations back and forth. There are people who have issues. There are also people out there with issues plus more. Everyone has certain issues though – it’s just how mankind is, how flesh is. There are so many stereotypes, but they only exist because there are actual people who act in that certain manner to cause them to arise.

So many Christians are persecuted. Some are hung on a log and burned alive in the forests of Asia on missions. Others are teased for being clean and not drinking or “going all the way” with their girl/boy friend in their own school. Christians are often thought of as being pretentious, as said above, hating homosexual people, and call the people who aren’t of their religion condemned idiots and fools, not to mention being racist. Personally, this hurts. It’s humiliating to the rest of the Christians who aren’t like that. It hurts, though, to know that this is what people think of us as.

I will not deny that there are pious, racist snobs who call themselves Christians. Honestly, I loathe people who are like that – it’s ridiculous. As Christians we are supposed to think of ourselves lowly; be humble, not judging, but reaching out to people. As Christians, we as a people are supposed to be the least racist, in the Bible Jesus tells his disciples in The Great Commission, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations,” (Matthew 28:19 ESV). All nations, in which means or refers to people of every race, gender or skin color. People –Christians– often forget this and though there are few words for this passage, each word has a deeper meaning contained within it. As Christians we shouldn’t go around condemning and cursing whoever the hell we feel like condemning on any given day or on any day, instead we are supposed to “turn the other cheek” and be gracious and gentle.

I am not a perfect image of a Christian kid. I yell at people, sometimes swear when agitated enough, and in regards to my patience and tolerance for select kids, it isn’t the best (I constantly have to remind myself: What would Jesus do?). I am not perfect, though I may try to be kind and good, I fail many times more than when I succeed. But it comforts me that when I fall down, He is there to pick me up, dust the dirt of, forgive, and help me move on and to make amends wherever needed and however hard it may be. Some may, and do, laugh at my faith, but it’s what has kept me alive… literally.

When talking to people at school, when I usually say, “Christian,” people make a face that is indescribable, and whether it is just from reaction or on purpose, I don’t know, but it is often funny to see, they make a simple comment of: “Oh.” And sometimes it’s “Oh…me too, but I am not really religious.” This indicates they are just saying that because they honestly don’t know what else to say, for me, but I find it absolutely hilarious, catching people off guard and seeing their reaction. It’s almost like a game. But after discovering my faith, people will most often turn to someone else and start a new conversation and ignore me. Makes me feel a little rejected, but that’s life, and I usually am smiling a few minutes later. Though, there are those occasions where people engage in a debate and I am sent running around in my head looking for the knowledge on such a topic and be able to respond with a reasonable response.

People have blamed me and my friends who are Christians that our morals, actions, and decisions are all based on our Christian beliefs, in which would otherwise be totally different (and more agreeable with them) had we not be Christians. This is partly true, but there are still some people who have a sense and can see where things might otherwise not end so well. I know many people who agree with me on some views and they aren’t Christians, they also have similar views, too. Many of my actions are just based on a process of thought and thinking ahead, some are, as stated before, influenced by my belief, but most are just by thinking through a situation and the society I grew up in earlier parts of my life. Many people are like this, ironically enough, you just have to look harder in this day and age to find people who aren’t stuck up in ridiculous things.

In response to my faith, I have had to stand up, and will stand up for it and my beliefs. I don’t care what people think of me, I am content in who I am. I have friends who care about me and will always be there for me (and I for them) no matter what. They don’t care that I am a Christian, how I look, or even dress. It is what is in the heart – the inside; what the personality is – that counts more so than what the physical appearance is. True friends will always stay by your side no matter what.

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